You don't wanna mess with this.

end.

for those of you (like me) who just can't wait for new damien rice on the 21st, head here to stream the entire new album. magic.

copeland comes out today. i plan on getting some.

finished my costume last night. gonna help out with the kids at the church tonight. will post pics.

life is bearing down hard.

i've never been so busy.

or afraid.

end.

once again our fearless hero deftly navigates the dark lair of downtown vancouver emerging victorious, this time with grad photos. grad photos?! i can't believe how close to the end i am. you really think i'd have some sort of idea what i'm going to do next. ah well.

end.

as i sit down to my dinner of spicy thai raman and chocolate milk (yes i'm living the dream my friends) i feel it is once again time to reflect.

i just returned to a friends place where i am spending the night after completing yet another midterm. i am most angry with this particular professor. his class is easy and the amount of material is quite small, yet he decided he needed to host an evening exam and choc it so full of questions that no one on earth would ever have time to finish it. *comic book arggh*

i had my hair cut on saturday and it was a mistake most horrid. i failed to specify exactly what i wanted and before i knew it the hair dresser had buzzed of all of my hair. i currently look like some kind of military recruit. or at least i would if i had not immediately run out and bought a toque with which to cover my sorrowful state. what is even more unfortunate is the fact that my grad photos are tomorrow. *comic book arggh*

yesterday as i stood in line at mcdonald's (i know i know, but grease to me equals comfort food, so shoot me) two small asian boys (probably 11 or 12) were listening to a shared iPod when one of them noted, "eminem sounds like a black guy, but he's actually a white guy." to which the other boy responded, "eminem's white?" fantastic. made my day. i smiled all the way home.

a week remains until the latest album by copeland is released. i don't mean to sound like a broken record, but i really cannot wait. that is all for now my friends.

end.

Last night i began what you might call a foray into the nostalgic. I recently decided to wear a costume for halloween that i constructed in grade twelve. Much to my dismay i discovered that someone had since discarded said costume, which prompted me to forge a new one. This time around it will be bigger, better, stronger. I promise to post a picture or two when it is done.

Item two on the agenda: New copeland album out on Oct 31. I just finished listening to the final track which is available for download. You must give it a listen. I could not be more excited for this album, despite rumors of less "poppy/catchiness" and whatnot.

end.

So tired yet again. I never seem to sleep on tuesday nights, no matter how prepared and ahead of my work i am. Oh well, next week is going to be much worse i am sure, what with all the midterms and such. I forgot my headphones today which angers me muchly. Now i cannot watch something on the train to keep me awake or listen to music while i am working/studying. < comicbookthoughtbubble> Arggh. < / comicbookthoughtbubble>

end.

I got this link from stu's journal. Kinda funny. How come I got some chicks?

end.

Be sure to check out this live acoustic version of a brand new Jimmy Eat World song. No word yet on a release date for the new album.

this morning i watch from my second-story seat on that rumbling beast as the morning spreads across the sky like a secret whispered from the horizon. the mountains are the first to hear, and they begin to blush with the knowledge that only they contain. each tree spreads the news with every outstretched arm until the entire sky can see their commotion. orange and gold tear through heavy sheets of the darkest blue casting fledgling fingers around my face. even those who lay asleep must now know of the sunny-day scandal. i wish that i had the time to learn the entire tale, but my day is carefully cataloged and constrained and there are certainly no empty slots for any but the most passing of time-wasting blues.

end.

university bookstores are evil. they don't have my books and yet they still bleed me dry.

john mayer is not evil. the new album impresses me muchly. check 'er out. most notably "slow dancing in a burning room". makes me miss my guitar.

okay, enough of these rediculously short sentences. where are the adjectives?! the adjectives?! while typing that last bit i imagined myself in a cheesy 'falltomykneeshandsoutsretchedandcrytotheheavens' kind of pose.

on sunday, i went down to lynden (i think that's how you spell it) with the band from church (after like 12 hours practice) and played a service in the evening where we opened for ... ray boltz, of all people. it was actually really well. i felt so good about our set. i didn't screw up or break a string or anything. and ray boltz is a very friendly, genuine and entertaining person. all in all: pretty cool.

peace out, kids.

end.

there's a fragility here. i'm sitting listening to some music that speaks of days past and rummaging through the dusty drawers of my memories. specifically the ones from the last three years of my life. there are so many things that have happened, so much change, so much life lived, and yet so often i forget it all until these melodic cues spark recognition.

in case it's not obvious, today is labour day. which means that it is most definitely the last day of summer. and this past has been my last summer ever. i embark tomorrow upon the final days of my educational life. 8 more months and 17 years will have been brought to an end. i suppose my feet are always reluctant to take steps from stage to stage, but it is not always fear that removes their courage. most of the time it is the desire not to loose touch. the wish keep hold of the things that i have learned and the person that i have become and the images in my head of the life that i have lived. for life tears past me like streetlights on the highway, illumination fleeting, yet constant.

"my knuckles have turned to white, there's no turning back tonight."

i could fill you in on events from this summer, but i think there would is little to be gleaned from a play by play. suffice it to say that i am back here to the liveDrama (if it still exists) and i am glad to see you all again.

end.

I’m not exactly a hero and the only thing I really conquered was another summer lifting wood at a mill, however that title fits my mood right now. My summer is officially over (as of Friday). And by “officially over” I mean that the official part of my summer is over. I have quit work two weeks early so that I may enjoy a little of my last summer ever. I feel quite accomplished now that I have cleaned all the sawdust (and there was much of it) out of my car. I really didn’t realize how much my lifestyle while working at the mill weighs on me. The only thing that makes me realize it now is that now I feel so carefree. I’m not sure if it’s the grind that grates against me or the fact that I’m in a bit of a standstill or the stifling of all creative ambition, but my summers at the mill have taught me that I do not belong there. I actually am savoring the idea of less sleep and stressed out situations that school and my prospective future bring. School at least grants me time to think and to feel. Working at the mill is akin to pressing pause.

I feel some small Euphoria at this moment (capitalized because I feel like it) and with that I believe I will retire to my sheets. My pillow calls my name and henceforth it will (fingers crossed) not smell like cedar ever again.

here i sit studying for my last exam of the year that will commence at roughly 8:30 tomorrow morning. this fire all along the horizon is filling the sky with that lazy summer light. the kind that takes you all the way to cascade before you know what hit you. the gymmie and i have not done nearly enough hanging out lately. i will rectify that soon.

i was kinda hoping to do something special this saturday to celebrate the end of the year. i guess plans change though.

the new taking back sunday is currently rocking me.

"you are everything i want, 'cause you are everything i'm not."

end.

a lot has happened since i last updated. last weekend (easter) anna and i went up to falkland to visit her parents for a couple of days. it was my first time really getting to know her folks. i had exchanged pleasantries with them on one previous occasion, but that was it. it was good meeting them and talking with them and seeing the town where anna did most of her growing up. i tell ya, it's one quite town. the physical landmarks where the restaurant, the store and the pub. i actually kind of liked it, no matter how much it did seem like a bit of a ghost town. after ubc and vancouver and everything, it was a little disconcerting not to see anybody on the streets (or the street. actually it wasn't that bad)

tuesday i had yet another exam and then raced back to mission to play a bit of a gig for a fundraiser that calvin was doing. i really think i played one of my strongest, most consistent sets. i only screwed up once on one song, and i managed to hit all of my high notes with some strength. i think it was because i had really good sound in the monitors.

anywho, here i sit at school yet again, waiting for another exam at 12:00. and then i have two more next week. i always get myself all into a tizzy when it comes to these periods of high stress. and i've decided that i generally make poor decisions. i'm not sure exactly why my decision-making process is so analog (ha ha), but for some reason it is. i've decided i'm not going to study tonight. take a break. hang out with my cousin and the gymmie and the rugs. should be good.

end.

the feeling in my chest is indescribable. i've never been so busy up until the end before. today is my last day of class and that this entirely crazy. today i have handed in 43 pages of work that i did yesterday and today alone. i just want to hand in this last project and 'jet'. i know i have exams left, but the last day of classes definitely feels like the end.

and the little lady is waiting for me at home where we will celebrate this momentous occasion by... probably doing absolutely nothing. too bad it's so overcast. i would like to watch the sun set tonight.

ah the public drunkenness. it is rampant here. well it is arts county fair i suppose. ah, good times.

here comes my weekend.

end.

p.s. check out the new taking back sunday video for makedamnsure. it's pretty good.

end.

i can never get it all together, can i? the answer, of course, is no. i spent a large portion of yesterday and all last night working on this bonus assignment to replace a sub-par quiz score. i finally finished and then spent an hour or two debugging the code. when i had a successful program running i let my head hit the pillow with a feeling of accomplishment in my chest. i awoke (tired as always) and proceeded to pack my bag with everything that i needed for the next two days (tuesday is the night i sleep here). i even remembered to fill a couple of dvds with scrubs episodes to give to the girls like i had promised. i arrive here at ubc hours later to discover the one thing that i forgot to bring was the notes that i desperately need to study for my exam tomorrow. so now i have to switch some stuff around so i can go home tonight and study and not fail the exam tomorrow. argh. one of these days i won't forget things at every turn. i think.

end.

welcome to the last monday of my school year. i have four hurdles to jump before friday and then i can begin to focus on my exams.

updates:

-the rugs (gymmie's name for the matts....get it?) were up this weekend. apparently the fidgit jamming is going really well. i'm definitely going to watch next weekend.
-harris got an epiphone les paul. a black one. sexy.
-i saw v for vendetta. good movie. i would definitely recommend it. although there were a couple of things that turned me off a bit. i thought it was interesting to see a movie that essentially said "blowing up a building to make a point is a good thing" come out of the US.
-played mini golf last night. and 'pwnd'. grant would like that one.
-the simpsons movie

also, i have been told that the text in my journal is black on a black background, yet on my computer it looks blue. any confirmation?

end.

i really am quite ridiculous. i just got off the phone with Anna and she sounds so much better and i definitely will get to see her tonight, and suddenly i am in the best mood ever. i really feel quite relieved. what a silly boy i am.

end.

i am listening to some oldschool music right now. that's about all i have to say about that.

Anna is sick so she couldn't make it to the show last night. disappointing to say the least. in fact, it was pretty hard to feel confident and get into the groove of performing while all i wanted to do was rush home and take care of her. not that there's anything i can do. i really hate feeling helpless.

the show went pretty well. the first set i was feeling kind of 'outofit' and maybe a little vulnerable and i kind of backed off a bit. a couple of my friends that came out said they could tell but they said it still sounded okay. the second set i found the groove and i think i 'knockeditoutofthepark' a little bit. perhaps. during the first song of the second set (following the dashed line) a couple got up and danced for the whole song. which worked because the song had a good groove for dancing. it was very cool. gave me a good confidence boost.

the last guy to play was increadibly tallented. he mixed classical technique with about every style you could think of. he had metallish rythms and intensity at times with latin grooves and jazzy riffs and occasionally middle eastern style vocals. very entertaining to watch. i have one question though: why is it that the ones who are very skilled and talented don't usually have much solid songwriting skill? i mean this guy knew tonnes of stuff and put a lot into each song and had some crazy transitions and stuff, but there was nothing that would make me actually want to listen on a cd or something. it was pretty much a live-only show in my opinion. and it seems to be a bit of a trend. the ones with all the crazy technical skill never really know quite what to do with it. strange.

anywho, bottome line: i need to practice my performance more. i felt really ameteurish up there.

i am glad that the matts are up this week, because if they weren't i would be going crazy without being able to see anna. i don't care how pathetic that makes me sound.

end.

tomorrow night at 7:30 and 8:45 i am playing some songs in room 209 in the SUB here at UBC. i am very excited to be playing again. hopefully the new songs will work out well.

this morning when i walked out of the door into the brilliant golden light that struck my eyes, a huge smile sprang to my face. this is the kind of sky that i love. time-wasting blue fills the air above me and i can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. i didn't even want to put my earphones in and listen to any music. i just wanted to listen to the early morning sounds of the world slowly rolling out of bed and beginning its day. i could even smell that almost-summer scent. i almost can't bear it. i should be at cascade right now. or at least laying on a grassy hillside somewhere with one arm behind my head and the other shielding my eyes.

i hope this finds you well.

end.

welcome to monday morning.

i like planning out my bathroom breaks in the middle of the day. it's really like a mini vacation. i enthusiastically pack up my bag and trot off the most secluded washroom i can think of. sometimes if i walk in and see someone in it, i'll just turn around and go to another washroom. then i like to take my time. maybe fix my hair (which is short again for those who didn't know), give my hands a good thorough washing, check my teeth for food, make sure the outfit that i'm wearing is vibing properly. okay, maybe i'm not quite that vain. or maybe i am, who knows. is vibing even a word? (assuming that vibe is actually a word)

it is friday again. very exciting. for assorted reasons. one more exam stands between me and a certain lady. and i am so prepared for this exam that i am going to rock it's little socks off. or something.

end.

this resurgence of time-wasting blue will keep my heart beating for now. although with this kind of light in the sky i am having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. that is about par for the course by this time of year though. only 3 more weeks of class. can you imagine? i really have to figure out what i'm doing this summer. i also have to start practicing my songs for the show next week. i haven't played my songs for months.

if you happen to be bored, you could head on over and check out yelllowcard's latest video. it's pretty cool in my opinion. the song is considerably better than the last single as well.

end.

this sky is pretty incredible.
that is all.

end.

this weekend was quite incredible. the matts came up from the the USofA. that's right. the u-sofa. as in couch. anywho, it was great seeing harris again. i miss that kid. reimer too, of course, though i've seen him a few times more than i have harris. saturday we had a shindig for cody on the occasion of his 19th which was quite a piece of fun. a few hiccups, but generally a pretty good time. sunday was good. started off rough having practice before the service, after which i decided that i never wanted to play guitar at my church ever again. (being the sensitive self-involved artist that i am). but then the service went quite stellar. of course it did, because i took myself out of it. then the crew and i went to have some sushi. mmm... sushi. then a nice relaxing afternoon at home with my favouritist girl. monday was stellar even though i thought it was going to suck. i got a midterm back that i was sure i had failed. except that i didn't. and then i sat another exam that i'm pretty sure i aced. i did good on it yo. then yesterday which just had the 'suck' nob turned way up. stupid day. now a bunch of work a swack of labs and another exam stand between me and the weekend, but i'm up to it. i have to be.

oh, i almost forgot. i have a show here at UBC. there's going to be kind of a concert party thing and i got booked for an hour slot. going to be a lot of fun. i can't wait. on the 30th of this month.

p.s. i really really really like ben folds.

end.

jesus break into this mind-maddening haze. words surround me like the vines to choke the failing breath from my throat. there is some truth buried in this battered form, for it remembers where it was wrought, the hands that held the mold, the lips that brought life.

we twirl away into oblivion, dancing the self-scored ballet, trying to lift from this plane with our self-made wings. or at least this is what can be seen from the ones who half remember the call. others line the street afraid to look above the horizon for the truth that it could bring, filling their mouths and ears and eyes with lies so abundant within the reach of an arm. sad eyes and aching throat and heads to roll and still we say "euphoria, euphoria" or something quite like it.

i swear to you that this is not our ultimate end. i swear to you that there is a life beyond your glass-walled cage. i think you would see it too, if the clouds were not wrapped around your face like a warm blanket. for if ignorance is bliss then surely death feels like falling asleep in front of the fire: far enough away not to burn but close enough to forget that this place is freezing. i am ice cold in our regret and ice cold in our being so caught up in it. i am ice cold in seeing you and you and you and i all so ineffectual. for if we were to shake off the covers of death and feel the cold and the ache we would run straight to the flames to be burned.

ah, but the dead can rise. did you forget that the fire leaves the truth and burns the lies? "wake, dead man, wake". this place is not home. did you forget love? did you forget grace? did you forget repentance? please remember at least the name of one who died for you. for i swear to you that He has not forgotten. i swear to you that He is waiting to see you from far off. waiting to come racing to your aid. to wash you and clothe you and celebrate that His child has found life. for i swear to you that what you have now is not life. it is not life and all you need is to grab the perfectly flawed hand that waits. "wake, dead man, wake".

end.

so last night i come home and who greets me as i enter my house (smelling a little funky i might add)? Reimo. we had a birthday dinner for cody and laughed a couple of times, and then i resigned myself to my room with my computer and my theories and equations and ... work, essentially. sleep came for me quite a lot later which left me fairly tired this morning after i woke up. knowing that falling asleep when i was this tired would be fatal i managed to stave off the falling eyelids for my trip on the train, but the bus proved more than i could handle. my eyes opened to an empty bus and the train station out the window. it took me a couple of minutes to realize what you probably already have: i neglected to wake up upon reaching school and instead stayed on the bus all the way back to the beginning of the route. another bus-ride later i finally arrived at my lab and proceeded to wade my way through much frustration to emerge victorious with two completed lab assignments (i did not finish last time) and two stellar grades.

i'm not exactly sure why i needed to give you a play-by-play, but i did, so there.

remaining: study like a crazy, dinner with anna and the 'rents, band practice, study like a crazy, blesse-blessed-sleep.

end.

yes! i am not crazy, or at least not for this one reason. i found the song that i was looking for. apparently the reason that there is no record of it online is because it was an unreleased track that was posted on the band's website for only a week or so. i'm not sure exactly how i managed to get my hands on it all those years ago, but i found it on one of my old burned mixes that were collecting dust in my room. it is called "can angels fly" by the normals. i've decided to keep a few of the other mixes i found too. old kyle music makes me smile. reminds me of tennis and gabeandrachael and the abby and nintendo at grant's or mike's and learning guitar and the days when i used to sleep.

end.

< falsetto laugh > ah ha ha < /falsetto laugh > four.

i just sent out a swack of e-mails trying to find myself a sponsor for a research grant this summer. i really hope this comes through. though it may sound counter-intuitive, it is actually quite comforting to know that even though i must put in every effort i have, ultimately i am not in control of the outcome. i would have thought that i would be more at ease knowing that i was in charge, but knowing that One so much more capable than i has the helm is a large dose of reassuring. that is all.

end.

quote of the month goes to anna for this lovely little gem last night:

"david was so emo."

that's right people, david. as in '...and goliath'. gold. today is friday and day two of my new-found revelation. the revelation that labels my escapism for what is. the revelation that exposes what it is i fight against and what it is i fight for. the 'daylight that breaks anew and burns away the gray that suffocates your soul.'

speaking of daylight, as i sat down in the passenger seat early this morning i could tell what the sky was hinting at, though it was the barest whisper: a dark sky with a knife-edge of promise-filled-blue. and then, as the train wove me through hills and mountains and towns and along the breast of a silent river, fire exploded along the horizon and burned away the mist in my morning eyes.

tonight begins the weekend. don't waste it.

end.

what is it that keeps us from being who and what we desperately want to be? is it fear of failure, or of success? for either brings change to what we know. change to the places that feel like "safe". but it does not have to be fear. it could be desire. the intense and lulling desire to be lazy and enjoy life, though i concede one does not presuppose the other. for it seems that every second holds choice, and sometimes those that we have already made stack against us in an airtight case that reads "failure". yet the one line absent from that case, the one implicit fact that rarely dawns on our served, sentenced, and set-away minds, is that the towering finger of defeat was built piece-by-piece. second by choice-filled second. and maybe it seems that those choices were made without our knowledge, completely by instinct in our unaware heads. and maybe that is the greatest victory of the one who seeks to destroy: this immensely beautiful distraction that we call "my life". for perhaps we are so blinded by the gaudy thing, so hazy in our half-asleep way, that we stumble on. second by choice-filled second.

end.

the number one best thing about not shaving very often is always having something to do. people asking too many questions in class? stroke the beard. want to give yourself a second to think while talking to someone? stroke the beard. getting cold waiting for the bus? stroke the beard. face getting a little itchy? stroke the beard. i pity the females who do not get to experience this joy... and i run in terror from the ones who do.

i hate it when you're at your wit's end in a relationship. when there just doesn't seem to be anything you can do. when you're not even sure that the problem lies with you but you have this intense desire to fix it anyway. why do i always need to fix things anywho? i guess i still can't handle the conflict. you would have thought that i would have grown up a little by now eh? well you would have been wrong.

sometimes i just want to hit the rewind and start over. go back ... maybe four years. maybe five. i could have done so much better by so many people. or just shut myself away. quit this life, for it would be so much easier without this world. but i know that is not the point. where would be the accomplishment of succeeding in a vacuum? the point is to show the heart of One who is so much stronger when everything in you cries to lash out, or give up, or give in.

"here's my kiss to betray... desperate to brush the lips of grace."

do you ever catch yourself having a fake conversation in your head? and i don't just mean planning out what you're going to say when you see someone later on in the day. i mean full-blown imaginary conversations with made-up people. a bunch of times i will actually realize that i'm having an interview session in my head and where somebody is asking me questions about songs or whatever and then i spend minutes answering them in my inner monologue. that sounds pretty crazy to me. every time i catch myself doing it i feel really embarrassed and look around to see if anybody saw me until i realize that people can't hear what's going on in my head.

that's about it.

end.

one last note before the weekend:

apparently LJ as intensified their HTML filter so my old override codes don't work anymore. because of this i have been forced to delve into their style system 2. it is much more powerful and also much more difficult, and i don't have the time to learn it. i have however updated my layout. very simple except i have a randomized background picture (using only 4 photos so far). that's kind of cool.

two more classes and then it is reading break and that is fantastic. i do have a lot of work to do, but there are some things that i am looking forward to as well:

the reimo is coming! the reimo is coming!
valentines day
working on some new songs
recording said new songs and some slightly older songs
assorted sleep

anywho, i hope this finds you well.

end.

i would like to introduce you to someone. this is anna. she is my girlfriend. she is beautiful and kind and talented and intelligent and caring and funny and ... roughly perfect.

that is all



end.

last night i recorded a couple of new demos of songs. i'll probably re-record them in a much better format and then post them on the purevolume page soon. it was a pretty good night actually. my voice felt pretty strong for once.

i'm really enjoying a little light in the sky for once. i do enjoy the contemplative gray, but i think i've had enough for a while.

if you go here you can catch a yellowcard acoustic performance. most of the songs are aggressively average, with two exceptions: a ben folds five cover which is appalling, and an acoustic version of ocean avenue which is spectacular. anywho, check 'er out.

end.

ARE YOU THE MAN NOW THAT YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED?
ARE YOU THE MAN NOW THAT YOU GOT IT?

"i've never wanted to smash my arms through someone else's skin the way i do when i hear about the life that you live. i've never before so wanted to turn the pain that you bring others upon yourself and teach you how it feels. i know it's never right to feel this way. i know that vengeance can never be mine. and maybe it's the superhero complex: the little boy that begs to be the cunning warrior running to the brutal aid of those who couldn't run, who couldn't fight, who were just as caught up in your lies as you were. and i wish i could know the face that tried so hard to destroy... but i am scared. scared that when i saw that face it would be the same one that stares back at me in the mirror. for i know the duplicity of my own heart. i know the darkness that i turn my back on daily. i know the intense failure that i would be capable of it weren't for the (at times) unbelievable, (always) unfailing, (absolute) unlimited love that rips from me the parts that i lift to the heavens in my barely steady hands. i don't know which i fear the worse: that i could be you, or that i have been you. for you are the epitome of everything in myself i hate. but at once i have to thank you (it is a completely graceless thanks) for showing me so completely what it is that i flee. for with this picture of you in my head i do not think i could stand to be you."

BLOODSUCKER

apologies for the melodrama.

end.

ps. happy birthday shadesofmelanin i hear rainie's coming down to see you. the gymmie and i will have to come visit you soon. definitely.

today is not starting off well. everything just fell apart from the time i woke up. but that's okay, just one more hurdle and it will be the weekend. "the world lives for the weekend but i watch as my weeks bleed right into them." there are quite a few albums that are coming out in the next few months that i am very excited about. dashboard and tbs are releasing albums soon (dates unknown) then there's brandston, saves the day, and thursday all with new discs due out in a few months. very exciting.

my amp is fixed and i used it last night. it was very nice to have my baby back. it turns out i melted the speaker by playing too loud. how hardcore am i? actually the real problem was that i was using the acoustic with it which sends a higher amplitude signal than the electric. that makes sense, but i liked getting the extra kick out my acoustic. oh well.

do you ever just have one of those days where you feel ugly? it's not a great feeling.

kyle's recommendation for the day. listen to a little "me and mrs. jones". because you know it's been too long since you last heard it. classic.

end.

i love when i open my eyes to the sky afire as the train pulls into the waterfront. unfortunately in this crazy place the sun never seems to last more than an hour or so, but i'll take it none-the-less. i've decided that i really hate ambiguous pre-lab descriptions. "here's a circuit, with no parameter values, now simulate it and plot graphs of the response." i've decided that i also detest professors who teach to their level of understanding. "well, i've been in the industry for 30 years, i'm sure this kids who are in their third year of university will understand everything that i say without me explaining the terms or conditions that i use." and then even when you barely grasp it enough to ask a question, they answer leaves you more confused than before.

oh well, i suppose i should be used to it by now, and in truth i somewhat am. i'm so used to only half understanding everything that i don't even feel that lost anymore. i always seem to come of it in the end. don't get me wrong, the stress'o'meter is ticking like a geiger counter next to a sizeable hunk of uranium, but i certainly don't feel the swirling vortex of depression like first year.

anywho, i get to play some music tonight. that always makes my day better. i kind of really want to get practicing with calvin for some shows. actually, while i'm at it, i want to try some jamming with keith on the keys and see what happens. i think it could be cool.

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY calvin_w! 27 eh, you old man.

end.

for some reason the last post appeared twice and then one of them disappeared, and of course it was the one that people replied to. so, in case you're wondering i didn't just delete because i hate the people who replied. he he.

i woke up to sun this morning and that was a blessed break. it's not sunny anymore, but it was nice to see at least. so did anybody happen to see that guy on american idol last night (i know i know, so i watch it occasionally) who did a silverstein song? he basically sounded like a transition between a velociraptor fading into somebody with even less talent and even more whiny than simple plan. and when they told him 'no' he walked out and said "i'm too hardcore for you". i laughed forever. oh my. the epitomy of everything that gives the 'emo/screamo' scene such a bad name. i don't even really like silverstein but i felt embarrassed for them being represented by such a ... adjectives fail me. anywho.

i may just go see relient k when they come to the croatian. why not i say. it'll be good for some nostalgia and a few laughs.

i just recieved word. my amp is fixed and ready for pickup. good stuff. that means i can use it tomorrow night for practice. i'm really enjoying experimenting with a different way of playing than i had been used to. it's actually giving me some ideas for writing as well.

i was walking in the rain yesterday and suddenly i thought of a great line which i tossed around in my head for the next few minutes. the thought then occured to me "hey, i should write this down so i don't forget it." to which my mind in its infinite wisdom replied "nah, i won't forget it." famous last words. i still can't quite remember what it was. and it is bugging me to no end.

saturday i watched 'i am sam' again. such a good movie. i really should look into the soundtrack. i forgot how good the music was (of course, how could it be bad considering it consists entirely of beatle's songs). i also recognized ben folds doing a song, and rufus too i believe.

okie dokie, that's enough random information.

end.

let me be honest with you for a moment. honest to the point that i know i will hear about this later:

sometimes, i get the nagging doubt that i'm making a horrible mistake, that i'm wasting time. i'm not scared that i can't do this, i'm more scared that i will do this and deny something else that i should be doing. it's not even that i believe in my 'talent' so much that i think that's where i could be. it's more the fact that i'm sitting here, and the only thing i can think about half the time is lyric this, or melody that, or progression here, or riff there. and i know i could do both. all my hands really want to do is put down the pencil and pick up the neck and let my fingers trace the harmonic lines. i feel foolish even writing it in this little box because i know how escapist it sounds. the fact that i don't have that much natural strength doesn't even deter me, it just makes me want to make me better. strive. push past the edges.

to what end i'm not sure. it doesn't even matter to me at this point. this waking life just feels so forced right now. maybe it's just because, in truth, i really am scared. maybe i am just frightened. but fear is not a spirit that i want plagueing me. for i know where it comes from.

i just have this undeniable hunger. and there is something there that feels right and whole and...

... and basically we all just want to 'feel' good and if we lived like that we know where we'd end up. empty and unaware and unfufilled. counter-intuitive.

end.

well this is most frustrating. this morning i remembered a song that i used to listen to a good number of years ago. i think it was by the normals, and the only line that i remember is "hush, hush, baby, i love you so gently, if you're scared just open your eyes." i remember liking the song so i checked the ol iPod to see if i still had it: nothing. i then decided to run a google search for the lyric to see what song it was from: nothing. next i searched for lyrics by the normals and scanned every song i could find: nothing. then i remembered that the lead singer (andrew osenga) did a solo thing, so i checked to see if it was one of his songs: nothing. now i'm beginning to wonder if i'm crazy. i swear i remember this song. i think i can even remember the melody of this one line, but google seems to be calling me a liar. and it's never cool to mess with the all powerful google.

i've got another piece of mucho frustrating news. after having it only a month, my beautiful new amp conked out last night before practice. very confusing and very heartwrenching. i must get it fixed. i simply must.

one thing that is definitely not frustrating is that i just finished my lab write-up and it is friday which means i only have 4 more hours of class left and then i am free free free free free. at least until tomorrow morning when i wake up and realize how much homework i have.

okay okay. i am very pent-up right now. i am going to listen to a little "new year's project" and then it's off to class. peace out homies.

end.

i'm afraid to look directly in her direction for fear she'll stop, but out of the corner of my eye i can see a girl at the end of the table grooving to the music in her headphones like crazy. she's dancing and shaking her head and mouthing the words and .... it's quite hilarious. i'm only allowing myself the barest of smiles so she doesn't realize i'm watching. people like this make me happy.

end.

"pacific sun, you should have warned us it gets so cold here."

we weave our way under steel and between towers, under eyes still closed against the world. it is these days that i remember the most. still cold and still burdened by the mountains, but beneath a sky that looks like promise. i remember this crystal clear light that burns into my early morning eyes, and the too-hot tea that i foolishly push past my lips. i remember sitting here letting the voice of lazarra, or carraba, or gilespie, or groban, or gleeson, or cole try to keep me awake. but this hope. this strength that seems to give me assurance at every turn. this half-smile that turns the corner of my lips. this is new. and i could trace my fingers from these, along the shattered edges of spider-web cracks that trace back to the hole where you shattered through my apathy. now that i know truth i am so sick of the lies. now that i know real i am so sick of make-believe. for you have taken my eyes off of what i am running from and shown me what i am running to. and it looks like home.

end.

"where daylight breaks anew and burns away the gray that suffocates your soul" - thrice

finally, a little light to shine upon these darkened streets. i am listening to martin smith sing "miracle maker" and it makes me want to physically stand up in the middle of this hall and scream at the top of my lungs. "who was and is and is to come." this is really what worship songs should be. if you're praising the only true God, then sing like it. it doesn't have to be elaborate, but it had better be genuine, and you had better believe it. and that is all i have to say about that.

end.

i wish i was on my way with you. somewhere. anywhere. the windows down because the air is cool and the light is warm. one hand on the wheel and the other weaving its fingers through the slipstream. your fingers trace my hair while i sneak glances at you out of the corner of my eye. pull over and bask on a carpet of green underneath a sky of time-wasting blue. no deadlines. no destination. just the blessed care-free meandering along an empty highway so arrow-straight at times that we would swear it had been lain by a giant blade rending the landscape. and we would drive through plains and hills and along cliffs overlooking a diamond-strewn sea. and maybe we would cast ourselves from these heights and bury our bodies in the cool deapths. swim out so far that we cannot see the shore, lie on our backs and let the current take us where it will. because your hand is clutching mine and nothing can go wrong. ever.

end.

well ladies and gentlemen, it's time for school again and i'm aggressively neutral about it. most of the classes look doable if i can only keep my head in the game.

i wrote the quickest song of my career last week. i wrote the music and melody on thursday and the lyrics on friday. it's got a much more laid-back feel with a hint of a swingy-bluesy beat thrown in. i kind of like it. sometimes i wish that my songwriting was all i had to think about, but i know that for what it is: escapism.

i am very glad that it is not raining quite so much out here right now. i'm starting to get a little sick of the endless rain. i like rain very much in the right situations, but trudging from class to class under a tear drenched sky is not one of them.

there is another aspect of my life that is currently more than i could hope for. but i will wait to speak until i have some better words.

end.

there is a little indo-canadian woman on the train sometimes in the morning that must think she's one of my guardian angels. she always touches my arm to wake me up when we get to our stop. and then sometimes she does the same thing on the bus too. she always smiles at me when we make eye contact and she always says 'bless you' when i sneeze.

end.